The impact of stress on your relationship is not a topic that many couples go for counselling. They usually show up due to conflict, fights and communication difficulties. Underlying these issues can be stress and how it impacts their communication and conflicts. In this blog post, I will talk about how stress impacts relationship and tips to overcome stress. Couples stress over finances, parenting and sex are the three top reasons couples fight.
One of the things about stress is that we don’t think about how it impacts your relationship. It is often talked about how it impacts your body, being unhealthy for you as an individual, but rarely how it is unhealthy for couples. That’s because people will say things like I’m so stressed I don’t know what I’m going to do. They don’t think about how that stress then impacts your relationship. They do not think about the stress and what they are going to do about the stress as it becomes an individual problem rather than a couple problem.
One of the things about stress is that when we’re stressed, we can’t give our best to people. During stress our brain uses what is called the reptile brain or the brain stem, which is our oldest part of our brain. The brain’s main job is to keep us alive by monitoring all the parts of the body. During stress it shuts down systems that are less important for stress. The more stressed we are the more we are relying on the reptile brain. To put it into perspective this is like using one of the first computers to do the work we do on computers today.
This is often referred to Neuroscience. It is now recognized as an important piece of the puzzle of how we are controlled by our brain function. When we are in survival as a system we are focusing on surviving, not making the best choices in communication or use of wording. We can be more abrupt in our wording and our tone can sound harsh. We’re focusing on breathing, making our organs run and staying alive. We do not always think about hunger, how to be nice to our partners and kids as we are in the mode to decide to fight, flight or freeze as a response to the stress we are encountering.
It depends on what part of the stress survival system and how much stress we are under. When we’re in the reptile brain we aren’t using our cortex, which is the higher functioning part of our brain. This analytical part of our brain is where abstract thinking happens, and best solutions solve problems. That’s the part of where we actually communicate the best so if you’re really stressed you’re not going to be communicating very well because you’re going to be focusing on breathing, running away from a tiger or other dangers, whether or not you’re going pick up a stick and fight off a wild animal. It’s hard to think about saying the right thing to a partner when this is all going on for you.
Stress can reduce the way people are able to communicate and react to things. Our body can’t determine whether our stress that we’re feeling because we’re overworked, our kids have five things after school to go to and we can’t breathe. We’re going through drive-through to get takeout for dinner and we’re trying to figure out how to just get through the day. Stress shuts down our brain and it focuses on just getting through the day.
We connect with our partners, react snappy and we don’t talk to them very kindly. They say something such as “did you take the chicken out” and we assume that the tone of voice is mean, sarcastic or pointing out a flaw. Instead of thinking they’re just wondering if the chickens out, we assume that that comment is meant to be criticism. We go into what’s called the four horsemen which are criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness.
Here’s my tips for when that happens. What I’d like you to do is if you’re feeling stressed at work take a moment and just breathe. Take some deep breaths. This will calm you down and get your central nervous system into a calm place. You will begin to feel more relaxed.
You can also meditate or practice mindfulness, which is good for managing stress. A mindfulness exercise can be as simple as sitting and taking some sips of your favorite coffee in your car before you go into the house. Just thinking about how it tastes. Use the five senses to work on mindfully drinking your coffee (or whatever beverage you like). The five senses are touch, smell, hear, see, taste. The purpose is to be mindfulness and begin to relax your central nervous system. If a beverage is not available, you can pick an object and use the five senses to focus your attention to the present moment.
Self-care is also helpful for managing our stress. As we become more involved with partners and family, it can seem guilty or wrong to spend time on ourselves. However, you need to be responsible for filling your emotional bank account and self-care allows you to fill your emotional bank account. Making sure that you get some time for yourself doing things that you really enjoy and having fun. This can involve your family and partner. However, it must allow you to feel relaxed and emotionally full. For some people they get their energy from being with family. There is a judgment that comes from wanting time for self that often gets called selfish.
The important part is you’re taking a break from thinking about how stressed you are feeling about paying bills or what deadlines your boss has put on you. It’s about having downtime to decompress from everyday things. We do better when we take care of ourselves. It benefits our relationships and family if we have some downtime. It’s also important for you to take some time just to reconnect or have some routines that allow you to reconnect with your partners. If the relationship is important to you than it important to reconnect with the person.
Routines allow us to reduce our stress as they are everyday habits that we do without thinking too much. If you have routines to reconnect then you are more likely to stay connected during stressful times. Routines that are built into your life allow relationships to become an asset. They allow us to stay focused on relationships, and habits that keep our mental health going well. When we are less stressed, we and our families are happier and life seems better. Whether you spend five minutes a day connecting when the family comes back together from their separate lives or as a couple you spend time after the kids are in bed to connect. What’s important is connecting. This can be an end of the day hug or kiss. It can be spending a few minutes listening to how everyone’s day went. Feeling connected to people is antidote to stress. What does it take to have a few minutes of conversation with each other?
Breathing is important for managing our stress. We can simply breath three deep breaths and our central nervous system will start to calm down. It takes a few moments to focus on how I am I feeling in the moment. What is my body doing? How is it reacting to the stress? What part of my body is feeling the stress? Take a few moments now and try a few simple breathes. How do you feel after? The deep breathing allows some of the stress to leave.
These are some small tips to help cope with stress. When we are not coping with stress we tend to communicate poorly, feel judged by comments and we have no patience for listening to others. These small tips will help us manage stress You may want to think about what kinds of things allow you to feel less stressed in your life. How do you think stress is impacting your relationships? If all you do is share with your partner how stressed you are feeling and they listen, you will be improving your relationship and managing stress.
This information also applies to other relationships in our life. If you are feeling stressed, your staff, colleagues, children and friends are also being impacted. Your kids are learning how to manage stress from you. When your kids are cranky and you have had a hard day, it is difficult to be calm with them. It’s a long day for your kids and they may not know how to handle feeling emotionally dysregulated. They will not regulate themselves if a parent is feeling stressed and unable to manage. However, everyone can feel better after a long day by reconnecting with each other. Everyone can use some time to connect.
Hopefully, these tips have gotten you to think about how stress shows up in your life. The most important relationships in our lives often get the worst part of us. Stress can impact relationships and learning to manage stress will help your relationships and health. What can you start doing today to manage your stress?
Maureen French is a registered clinical counsellor in Abbotsford and Mission, BC. She works with children, teens and adults in individual counselling. She has completed training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples and Gottman Couple Therapy. Maureen is an active member of BC Play Therapy Association and BC association of Clinical counsellors. You can contact Maureen at info@lifebalancecounselling.com If there is information you would like to see please send me an email. Maureen also does talks on relationships and common relationship issues.