Breaking up is hard to do.
This blog post is taken from an interview I did with my friend Paige Stevensen on her personal journey of ending a relationship with her long term boyfriend. We talk about the steps she took and what has helped her to work through the ending process of a relationship while remaining friends with your ex.
Maureen: hi this is Maureen French
I’m going to talk with my friend Paige Stevensen. She is about to embark on a new stage in her life as she is about to become single. We are going to talk about her experience of what it is like to be in this stage in her life where she is going to be leaving a long-term relationship to become single again. We’re going talk a little bit about the process she has been going through. Hopefully this will be helpful for other people who are maybe struggling with this issue themselves.
Maureen: Paige has not been prepped for what I am going to ask. What do you do to prepare for becoming single? What steps do you take to become single after such a long relationship?
Paige: Well first of all I just would like to say thank you for this opportunity. For those of you that don’t know me I’m very much of a spiritualist. I like things to happen organically. Our relationship that I had and how our breakup came about was very organic. Maybe not very conventional in that we didn’t fight. We didn’t disagree. We’ve just decided to go our separate ways. He wants to move up North and I don’t so I’m moving into Vancouver.
It’s just for us. For us it is holding true to our journey and what’s important to us. We’ve recognized he does not want to live down in the hub of Vancouver and I did not want to live up in north. I just don’t like it.
I’m standing true to me and he’s standing true to him. Some people that I tell this to are like are you okay because I’m going through you know a separation. Yeah, I’m fine. I have my moments, but for the most part I know the end result is for the higher good of all concerned.
My heart’s going to be happy. You know Gerry and I were friends before we got together. We’re still going to be friends. I’ll go visit him and he’ll come and visit me type thing, but our relationship will not be an intimate relationship further, it’s a little different.
Maureen: Do you think it helps in the breakup that you are going to remain friends as you don’t lose him as a friend as well?
Paige: For us it’s what we want because we have a lot of history together. We’ve known each other for over 35 years before we got together intimately. We want to remain friends after. It’s just a conscious decision. I am not saying it’s right or wrong. For us it works.
Maureen: Those of you who know me will recognize that self-care is something that I recommend often. What self-practice self-care practices do you use to help you thought the process?
Paige: Well, I’m a strong believer in affirmations so part of my daily practice in the morning and at night. I tell myself that I am enough that I am safe, protected and so, so, so loved because that’s my divine team talking to me. When I talk to my heart and when my inner talk matches my outer world then I have symmetry. I make sure that what I tell myself is what I tell people out here. If I go: “oh yeah I’m okay” then I’m okay and inside I say: “oh no oh my “, then it’s not a match. It’s for me again that word organic. It feels a mismatch. I make a conscious effort to constantly be reminding myself of what is this all about. Where I am I heading with my life? It can be sometimes a little challenging and I just have to remind myself why I’m doing this.
Maureen: What kind of advice would you give people who are breaking up?
Paige: Well I think it’s really powerful to stand in your power. To know what’s right for yourself because a lot of people like to project on you. “Oh, you should do this and you should do that”. Know what’s right for you, what’s true for you. At end of the day, you can lay your head on the pillow and go you know that: “I’m making the right decision I’m doing this for me. This is what brings me joy to my heart.
Maureen: It’s a good point that a lot of people make decisions about breaking up with someone because peer pressure or pressure that they don’t have the relationship that the media says they should have. The relationship isn’t involving in the way that their parents did or that they anticipated it would go in relationships. I think relationships are more complexed. You must make that decision of when it’s good time to end or when it’s a good time to maybe fix things in a relationship.
What steps did you do to make a decision to end your relationship?
Paige: Well for some reason the organic word is coming up. It was really just how it unfolded. Okay, so we both said: “It looks like things are changing.” We didn’t say the actual separation word and I felt it coming on. Because of the type of work I do, I asked through meditation or prayer or whatever works for you. I said “could I please get assistance with this unfolding in a beautiful way that each of us is honored and respected. It wasn’t a yelling match or he said she said. It wasn’t none of that and so it unfolded. One day it just unfolded so beautifully sitting on the couch having a conversation. The discussion came up about where we should move Well it looks like we’re not moving together. It looks like you know just a little bit by little bit and before you know it was like okay I guess then we’re done.
Maureen: Do you think your spirituality is a big piece of your self-care for your breakup?
Paige: Absolutely! Well it just it would feel obtuse if I did not have my element of spirituality for me you know. If the person isn’t spiritual. If you’re going into prayer then let it be prayer whatever higher power it, you talk to it, please tap into it and use it because it can help.
Maureen: Do you think having good support also helps.
Paige: You’ve got to have what I’m gonna call your support group like the people that you could call up and ask can I sleep on your couch. To me that’s the kind of person you need around you and you should have several of those people. I know historically this is a little easier for women to ask to sleep on the couch than it is a guy. If I am NOT able to phone up anybody and say can I sleep on your couch tonight then they’re not the type of person I want in my world. My friends to me are sacred and they’re in my world for a very good reason. I honor them and so when I ask upon them, they honor me. It’s very important that you have a close network of people that you can trust and call on when you need to.
Maureen: To recap what I what I’ve heard in this call is that self-care is really important, spirituality is important for you and it can be anything that a person finds meaning in such as prayer or meditation or being in nature. Having a good support system is vital as well. It is also important to know your journey in the process.
Paige: You know your boundaries because a lot of people just don’t know their boundaries yeah. I know my split might sound very odd and I get it but is it really necessary to be mean to each other because it’s your vessel and the energy you’re giving out might be pointing fingers.
Maureen: Well I think that you are not the only one where relationships can end in this fashion in that long-term often end with a clearer cut than people think. Couples don’t almost fight when they’re ending relationship. It’s important to know that all relationships are differently and the Breaking up is hard to do. The process that you’re going to go through is going to be a personal journey as well. thanks for joining us
Paige: Well I am very happy to be here Maureen and thank you for inviting me
Maureen: you’re welcome. Maybe we will see you again soon Paige. All right. thank you