How to practice self care without feeling guilty for taking time for yourself.

That’s right I am talking about learning to be selfish. There is a fine balance of being selfish and taking care of you. Everyone needs balance and harmony in their life. Many of my clients come to me with a lack of work/ life balance. They often appear to be like deer in headlights. In many cases I find myself wondering if they will make it to their next appointment without burning out, going on stress leave or ending up a puddle on their bathroom floor crying uncontrollably. Perhaps you are feeling this right now. There is fine balance between taking care of others and being able to take care of YOU!

But I cannot put myself first……

Many times I will suggest someone spend a little time on themselves and they will respond with shock. You may have even guessed their response. “That is selfish!” Their response may sound like this “I am a mother or Father, the family patriarch and everyone needs me. My children need me to be there all the time. my boss can’t live without me, they will suffer.” Are you crazy! Or even worse “what will other people think”. How did we decide putting ourselves first was selfish? How did you come up with this idea? Who told you it was selfish?

I grew up in matriarchal family where putting others first was valued. My mother and grandma had developed this skill set well. My grandma was so worried about her children not having enough that she did not want to spend money wastefully to the point she went without even when she could afford it. A co-worker of mine summed up the importance of putting yourself very well. She said: “Maureen, if you die tomorrow at your desk they will just roll you off the desk onto the floor and have someone new there the next day.” You need put your needs first to take care of others. If I don’t eat lunch or dinner trying to accommodate clients I am not going to be working at my best. I know some of you are skipping lunch to get work done or sitting at your computer eating while working.

Defining the word selfish….

My definition word selfish is being kind to self, saying no, self-love, care of one’s self, learning to put you first and spending time with yourself. It is learning to recognize when you need to recharge. It is seeing yourself as important as all the other people you care about. Imagine being able to give yourself permission to take care of you. Self care or self compassion does not mean others will go without, but you might get time to do the things you want. It can be small acts of kindness to yourself.

What are some ways to take care of you?

Eating your lunch at the park instead of your desk
Have a bubble bath
Take a walk
Petting an animal
Playing a board game
Spend fifteen minutes with yourself
Taking your breaks at work
mindfulness
Breathing
Walking the dog
Going for a hike
Having your morning coffee or tea without rushing
Saying no to one more demand of your time
Going to the gym
Eating dinner with your family instead at the kitchen counter or in the car
Meditating
Taking a class
Saying no to being on a committee
Reading a book
Watching a movie
Taking a class
Colouring or painting

How do I get others on board?

First you have to decide to put yourself first. Then you have to take a deep breath and work through the anxiety of “I am not living up to other people’s expectations”. What do you want for yourself? If you are worried about saying no here are a few things to say: “I will have a look at my schedule”, “That does not work for me”, “next time” and “we have too many projects right now”. Everyone likes to maintain the status quo and they will resist any change you make. I suggest you start with small changes. Start with 10 minutes of day.

Benefits

Modelling for your children to be assertive
Being more assertive and less of a doormat
Being more confident
Having breathing room
Enjoying life
Healthier relationships with more satisfaction
Less resentment

I challenge you to a 30 day Challenge ……

Try one self-care item a day for 30 days. At the end of 30 days, see how you feel. I guarantee you will feel better and have more confidents. Stress and worry will be under control as you won’t feel overwhelmed by too many obligations. Your children and family will survive and world will keep going.

Maureen French, MA, RCC

Maureen French is a registered clinical counsellor in Abbotsford and Mission, BC. She works with children, teens and adults in individual counselling. She has completed training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples and Gottman Couple Therapy. Maureen is an active member of BC Play Therapy Association and BC association of Clinical counsellors. You can contact Maureen at info@lifebalancecounselling.com If there is information you would like to see please send me an email. Maureen also does talks on relationships and common relationship issues.

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